


Slaphappy

by XenobotKin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Boys Being Boys, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Boys' Love, Group chat, Karasuno Men's Volleyball, Kissing, M/M, Texting, karasuno group chat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 9,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26965108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XenobotKin/pseuds/XenobotKin
Summary: Oikawa challenges a bunch of boyfriends to tell their boyfriends Oikawa slapped them. He thinks it will get them cuddles or comfort. Spoiler alert, Oikawa is a moron(I am not condoning this as an IRL challenge btw lol)
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Aone Takanobu/Futakuchi Kenji, Echigo Sakae/Himekawa Aoi, Haiba Lev/Inuoka Sou, Himekawa Aoi/Tsukioka Chiharu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Kindaichi Yuutarou, Kawatabi Shunki/Nakashima Takeru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kyoutani Kentarou/Yahaba Shigeru, Nishinoya Yuu/Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Shirabu Kenjirou/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 38
Kudos: 187





	1. Oikawa is God's Gift to the Gays, so Says the Curse Inflicted Upon the Gays

_Tuesday: 3:55 pm_

**Oikawa added Sugawara, Hinata, Yamaguchi, Nishinoya, Kindaichi, Yahaba, Futakuchi, Kenma, Inuoka, Shirabu, Akaashi, Himekawa, and Takeru to the chat**

**Oikawa named the group “Oikawa is God’s Gift to the Gays”**

Okiawa: Yoho! What’s up losers, we’re going to play a game

**Kenma left the chat**

**Nishinoya left the chat**

**Yahaba left the chat**

**Akaashi left the chat**

**Takeru left the chat**

**Futakuchi left the chat**

**Shirabu left the chat**

**Sugawara left the chat**

Yamaguchi: Wow

Yamaguchi: No one wants to play your game lol

Hinata: W-what kind of game is it?

Kindaichi: I’m only still here cause I’m minorly afraid of Oikawa-san

Inuoka: WHAT GAME ARE WE PLAYING??

Oikawa: 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

**Oikawa added Sugawara, Shirabu, Futakuchi, Takeru, Akaashi, Yahaba, Nishinoya, and Kenma to “Oikawa is God’s Gift to the Gays”**

Oikawa: GET BACK HERE YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!!

Oikawa: Also Yahaba-chan I KNOW you did not just bail out on your beautiful and lovely senpai who is trying to help you

Yahaba: You called me a loser in the first sentence, to be fair

Oikawa: Oh

Oikawa: I forgot I phrased that to you and Kindaichi lol Sorry guys 😅😅

Futakuchi: Apologize to me too you fluffy headed slut

Sugawara: Okay, so why are we here exactly?

Oikawa: I already said, we’re playing a game!

Oikawa: You like games, right pudding boy?

Kenma: I do not consent to being called that

Kenma: But yes I do like games

Shirabu: I can take them or leave them, and I have Biophysics homework to do

Takeru: I’m not even that familiar with like, half of you lol

Nishinoya: I mean you have a reputation as being the captain of the team that almost murdered Daichi lol

Kindaichi: An impressive distinction I guess lol

Takeru: Bruh that was NOT my fault 😮😮

Akaashi: I have already noticed a connect between all of us and have an idea of what’s happening here

Yamaguchi: ??

Akaashi: We all have boyfriends

Sugawara: Okay wait

Sugawara: Himekawa sweety you have not made a peep

Sugawara: Also do you have a boyfriend?

Himekawa: Yes, two

Himekawa: But I’m nervous cause I’ve never had a single one on one conversation with any of you

Himekawa: I’m scared

Kenma: Oikawa you have endangered a child

Futakuchi: I mean I have a sentient border wall who finds me cute, but technically, yes

Akaashi: He’s gonna make us all send some stupid leading text to our boyfriends that makes our lives harder

Oikawa: Uhm

Akaashi: Caught it

Nishinoya: Dude no lol

Nishinoya: Tanaka and I already so competitive, I do NOT need any more problems in that area 😅😅

Hinata: That is extremely true lol

Sugawara: I hate these! I always feel so bad making things with Daichi awkward

Inuoka: Lev is pretty…energetic lol IDK if this is a good idea for me lol

Kenma: Inuoka are you insane you are the human equivalent of a Sonic the Hedgehog spring

Inuoka: 😝😝😝😝 Lol yah

Inuoka: Guilty as charged

Himekawa: IDK, I already feel like no one likes me that much, I don’t wanna make it worse

Inuoka: 🥺🥺I don’t know you well Himekawa-kun but I want to be your friend don’t be sad

Himekawa: Oh okay uhm thanks

Oikawa: Okay but listen

Oikawa: I PROMISE this one will not make anything awkward for you guys!!

Oikawa: If anything, it will get you lots of cuddles and pampering

Oikawa: Like, I PROMISE YOU it will work out for you! Scouts’ honor!!

Yahaba: You were never a boy scout though

Oikawa: I am seconds away from making sure you spend another year on the sidelines

Oikawa: Okay, I want you guys to tell your boyfriend that someone slapped you!

Yamaguchi: …… Wut

Hinata: But no one slapped me

Sugawara: Pardon??

Takeru: 😒😖😟😒😖😟

Shirabu: HAH?

Futakuchi: You want me to what

Akaashi: New facebook notif: “Noone liked this”

Yahaba: But why though

Himekawa: Nu Tsukioka and Echigo would not enjoy hearing that

Kindaichi: Oikawa-san, my boyfriend has clearly hit you too hard, I am very sorry

Nishinoya: EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME???

Inuoka: 😦Lev 😦 would 😦 be 😦 so 😦 sad 😦

Kenma: That’s stupid this is stupid you’re stupid

Oikawa: All those responses came so fast lol

Oikawa: LISTEN I chose y’all for a reason

Oikawa: You’re all little spoons

Oikawa: Your boyfriends are like, for SURE protective

Yahaba: This is underclassman sexual harassment, and I don’t have to deal with it

Sugawara: How is that ANY of your business 🤨🤨

Akaashi: FYI Bokuto is often the one in much more dire need of cuddles than I am

Oikawa: Guys LISTEN

Oikawa: WITH YOUR E A R S

Nishinoya: Okay fuckface no need to get condescending

Kindaichi: That is a lost battle my libero friend

Oikawa: Silence Tarouchan

Oikawa: Guys, picture it

Oikawa: You come to your beautiful boyfriend, somewhat distraught, somewhat sad and confused, and a bit angry. Your beautiful beau seeks to avenge you, but cannot, so instead his noble arms provide you comfort and care, he envelops you in a tender, soft embrace filled with warmth and light

Hinata: Uhm

Sugawara: I’m—

Sugawara: Oikawa honey are you okay

Akaashi: I see that you are very lonely today

Kindaichi: I mean I could give you cuddles if you want, Iwaizumi and I are secure

Futakuchi: Someone got hit really hard with the “I hate being single” fever today

Kenma: Who’s boyfriend are you simping after, cause it better not be mine

Inuoka: Lev, probably

Inuoka: My boyfriend is so pretty lol

Oikawa: Okay ouch

Oikawa: I am trying so hard to get you guys cuddles

Oikawa: I am wingmanning for you so hard and y’all are bullying me

Oikawa: Look, it’ll work out

Yamaguchi: Okay but like

Yamaguchi: If I tell Tsukki “Someone slapped me” he would absolutely demand to know who it was

Yamaguchi: And like, if I tell him it was some homophobe on the streets of Miyagi he would call the police lol

Sugawara: Yeah, I was just thinking that

Kenma: Say that someone slapped you in your sleep lol

Shirabu: We literally all live at home

Shirabu: We would be accusing our parents of child abuse lol

Kenma: Okay nvm don’t do that lol

Oikawa: I have already thought up a plan of this!!

Oikawa: You have my permission so say I am the culprit!

Oikawa: Now! Go tell your boyfriends I slapped you!

Akaashi: I’m sorry what the fuck are you talking about

Shirabu: Literally what

Inuoka: ‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽

Kindaichi: Oikawa-senpai

Kindaichi: I do not have a doubt in my mind that if I told Iwaizumi you hit me we would find your body in a ditch

Futakuchi: Aone will crush you between his thighs, but not erotically, like you will actually squirt your guts out like a squash lol

Yahaba: You want me to tell Mad Dog Kyotani that someone slapped his boyfriend

Yahaba: Oikawa-san are you okay

Yahaba: Are you having feelings of hating your self or being tired of life

Nishinoya: Tanaka will likely fight a bitch lol

Himekawa: Tsukioka and Echigo will be upset with you lol

Hinata: I do not like this plan

Hinata: I do not like your slappy scam

Hinata: I do not like it in my jersey

Hinata: I do not like its controversy

Oikawa: Guys I’ll be fine!

Oikawa: I’m literally outside Miyagi right now, I’m at my Sister’s house with my nephew for a few days (she’s sick so I’m watching him)

Sugawara: Aw, sorry to hear that Oikawa, I hope she gets better. You’re still an absolute doofus

Oikawa: Look, get some cuddles from you boyfriends, watch them be protective and valoric and manly, and then tell them it was a joke before I get back on Wednesday lol

Nishinoya: You know it’s such a stupid idea

Nishinoya: I’m in

Nishinoya: Hinata, Yamaguchi, I declare you are both in as well

Hinata: Okey

Yamaguchi: Okay fine lol

Sugawara: I guess I can

Inuoka: Kenma-san, can we????

Kenma: Why are you asking permission?????

Inuoka: CAN WE????

Kenma: Okay, sure, I guess?

Yahaba: I still think that this is an especially bad idea for me and Kindaichi, but you are our senpai so uh I guess

Kindaichi: This is such a horrible idea but okay lol

Takeru: Man

Takeru: Okay I’ll be a team player lol

Himekawa: I’m scared lol

Himekawa: What if they get mad at me??!!?

Hinata: Would your boyfriends get mad at you for getting slapped!?!?!?

Himekawa: No they’re nice 🥺🥺

Futakuchi: Now that you mention it, I am kind of curious what’ll happen lol

Futakuchi: Usually my bruises are from Aone cause he don’t know his own strength, IDK how he’ll react to this

Shirabu: This is so stupid and pointless

Shirabu: But Ushiwaka is never really that protective of me so I think I wanna try it

Akaashi: So it’s just me

Akaashi: I’m the hold out

Akaashi: Y’all have met Bokuto and you’re still going to make me do this

Akaashi: Oh my god Okay fine

Oikawa: Go my babies, have fun


	2. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima Saga: Cranberries Reveal all Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi is bad at lying to his boyfriend

**Yamaguchi and Tsukishima Chat**

Yamaguchi: Tsukki!!

Yamaguchi: Tsuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuukki

Tsukishima: Stop that

Yamaguchi: Okay

Yamaguchi: But no gomens right now cause I kinda feel bad

Tsukishima: Kay

Tsukishima: What’s up?

Yamaguchi: Uh well I got slapped in the face today

Tsukishima: …….

Tsukishima: Like, literally?

Yamaguchi: Yes

Tsukishima: Physically, someone smacked you?

Yamaguchi: Yes, exactly

Tsukishima: Okay I was going to talk and continue my studying but we’re gonna put that aside from now so you can tell me what happened

Yamaguchi: Uh

Yamaguchi: Well I saw Oikawa from Aobajohsai at the super market and he asked something about how Nationals is going and I told him and he got mad and slapped me

Tsukishima: Tooru Oikawa slapped you in public at a supermarket

Tsukishima: Did anyone see you?

Yamaguchi: No we were in the produce section near the cranberries

Yamaguchi: No one is buying cranberries now

Yamaguchi: But I needed some for something mom is cooking lol

Tsukishima: Okay

Tsukishima: Okay Google, what is the number for Aobajohsai’s Director of Student Conduct

Tsukishima: Oh sorry I forgot to close the chat

Yamaguchi: Wait Tsukki you don’t need to do that lol

Tsukishima: Okay Google, what is the number for the National Physical Violence against Minors Division of the Japanese Public Security Intelligence Agency

Yamaguchi: TSUKKI NO

Tsukishima: Sorry that also wasn’t for you

Yamaguchi: Wait stop you really don’t need to do that

Yamaguchi: I do not want anyone arrested or expelled

Tsukishima: Literally no one on this planet is allowed to lay their hands on you idgaf

Tsukishima: Bitch ass fuckin Kevin Jonas haired centipede bitch

Yamaguchi: I do not understand what that insult implies but WOW

Yamaguchi: But seriously it’s okay it wasn’t even hard

Tsukishima: Okay fine

Tsukishima: Looking his mom up in the phone book

Yamaguchi: Tsukishima Kei you are not to call Oikawa’s mother and tell him he slapped me!!!

Tsukishima: Give me a reason

Yamaguchi: OKAY FINE it’s a joke

Yamaguchi: It was just a little prank okay, no one slapped me lol

Tsukishima: Oh is it now?

Yamaguchi: You knew didn’t you

Tsukishima: Yes duh

Yamaguchi: 😣😣

Yamaguchi: What gave it away??

Tsukishima: 1) You’re only pretending to be sad. If someone slapped you you would be balling rn

Tsukishima: 2) I know every dish your mom cooks and she doesn’t cook with cranberries

Tsukishima: The only berries in her cuisine is sharkleberry Kool-Aid

Yamaguchi: Lol okay fair

Tsukishima: Also you’re a moron

Yamaguchi: 😨😨😨😨😨

Yamaguchi: Tsukki that’s mean

Tsukishima: If I didn’t know you were lying I could’ve got Oikawa in trouble, like, really big trouble

Yamaguchi: I mean yeah but we told him that when he told us to lol

Tsukishima: Wait what??

Yamaguchi: Yeah lol Oikawa told a bunch of us to text our boyfriends that he slapped us as a joke to get us cuddles

Tsukishima: That’s so stupid

Yamaguchi: Yeah lol

Tsukishima: Well it failed because you aren’t getting anymore cuddles this week

Yamaguchi: WHAT?!?!

Tsukishima: Nope no cuddles for you that is your punishment for lying to me

Yamaguchi: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Yamaguchi: 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Tsukishima: You à 🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥🤥

Yamaguchi: What about snuggles?!?!?

Tsukishima: Really

Yamaguchi: Yeah

Tsukishima: Okay fine sure

Yamaguchi: ☺🤩☺🤩☺🤩 Yay


	3. Shirabu & Ushiwaka Saga: Doughnut vs. Donut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ushiwaka is looking for a reason to be nice but Oikawa ruins everything lol

**Shirabu and Ushiwaka Chat**

Shirabu: Hey

Ushiwaka: Hello

Ushiwaka: How are you today?

Shirabu: Shitty honestly

Ushiwaka: Oh

Ushiwaka: I’m sorry, why is that?

Shirabu: I got slapped across the face today

Ushiwaka: Name

Shirabu: Uh

Ushiwaka: Give me the name

Shirabu: It was Oikawa

Ushiwaka: Oikawa

Shirabu: From Seijoh

Ushiwaka: Well

Ushiwaka: I have not hit someone in a long time

Ushiwaka: I’m a lot stronger than him so it should be fine

Shirabu: No

Ushiwaka: Yes

Shirabu: NO

Ushiwaka: Why not?

Shirabu: I don’t want you mad I just want comfort okay

Ushiwaka: Oh

Ushiwaka: Well

Ushiwaka: Okay, I can put off hitting him

Ushiwaka: Do you want me to come over? I can bring some anime and we can binge, I also have some homemade doughnuts my grandmother made

Shirabu: You

Shirabu: You want to sit down and eat donuts??

Shirabu: Like, by donuts you mean two? One apiece?

Ushiwaka: If you only want one, then sure, but there’s 10 left and she’s always trying to make me eat more of them

Shirabu: You

Shirabu: You are offering to let me eat multiple donuts. IN ONE DAY?

Ushiwaka: Comfort is a special occasion

Shirabu: 🥺

Shirabu: Senpai I love you

Ushiwaka: I love you too

Ushiwaka: Also Oikawa tweeted “#ISlappedYourBoyfriend” and said what happened so I guess the jig is up

Shirabu: Literally

Shirabu: I hate him lol

Shirabu: He bothered me so much just to do this and now he tweeted about it forgetting all of our boyfriends follow him

Shirabu: He’s an idiot

Ushiwaka: So were you just feeling a little bit in need of comfort

Shirabu: Well no but when the opportunity presented itself

Ushiwaka: Okay

Ushiwaka: I’m still coming over

Ushiwaka: No doughnuts though, I’m bringing fresh brussels sprouts

Shirabu: But donuts 😧😧

Ushiwaka: Comfort is a special occasion but lying to your boyfriend is not

Ushiwaka: You will eat your brussels sprouts in shame

Shirabu: Oh boo


	4. Inuoka and Lev Saga: Revenge of the Beautiful Sweet Little Soft Angel Puppy Carrot Cake Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh my GOSH you guys shut the fuck up. I swear Lev and Inuoka would be unbearable to be around as a couple lol

**Inuoka and Lev Chat**

Inuoka: Lev 🥺😰🥺😰🥺😰🥺😰🥺😰🥺

Inuoka: Lev sweety

Lev: Why are you sending sad emojis??

Inuoka: Cause I’m sad 🥺😰🥺😰🥺😰🥺😰🥺😰🥺

Lev: Why sweetpea?

Inuoka: Someone hates me 😭😭

Lev: Literally no one on this planet is that evil

Lev: Except when you’re blocking then you are very hateworthy

Lev: But only cause you’re really good uwu

Inuoka: Someone slapped me

Lev: OwO

Lev: WHAT?!?!😲

Inuoka: Yeah it was Oikawa from Seijoh

Lev: HE HIT YOU???

Inuoka: 🥺🥺Yes 🥺🥺🥺

Lev: 😤😤😤😤That bitch😤😤😤😤

Lev: Boy he’s gonna miss being able to talk next I see him

Inuoka: What no

Lev: Don’t worry beautiful sweet little baby

Lev: I will take care of you for now

Inuoka: ♪(´▽｀)

Inuoka: Really?

Lev: Yes my beautiful cupcake darling little bunny boy

Lev: Stay right there you’re big tall boyfriend is coming to help you ( ´･･)ﾉ(._.`)

Inuoka: Will there be cuddles

Lev: There will be many a cuddle

Lev: Also this is a special occasion so you will be getting lap cuddles while we watch fluffy romance movies

Inuoka: ✪ ω ✪ ✪ ω ✪

Lev: I am coming my beautiful sweet little soft angel puppy carrot cake baby

Inuoka: Yay!!


	5. Takeru and Kawatabi Saga: Something about Flirting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kawatabi is a broski honestly  
> (Edit: I just found out this is the only Kawatabi/Takeru thing on AO3. BRUH???? WHAT???? How could y'all sleep on my boy Takeru and his pretty boyfriend!!!!!!!)

**Takeru and Kawatabi Chat**

Takeru: Tabi-kun

Kawatabi: That is Tabi-chan to you bro

Takeru: Tabi-chan

Kawatabi: Okay better

Kawatabi: Yes?

Takeru: Uh

Takeru: Think I could come over?

Takeru: Feeling a little bit…idk, defeated and stressed and kind of bad about myself

Kawatabi: Huh? 😥What yeah of course!

Kawatabi: But what’s go you down? You’re never sad

Takeru: Yeah today is kind of a special occasion lol

Kawatabi: Is your family okay? No one’s hurt or sick or anything?

Takeru: Oh! Oh no, it’s nothing like that, its really not even serious

Kawatabi: What’s wrong then?

Takeru: Well I got slapped in the face today. Like, literally, not philosophically

Kawatabi: …

Kawatabi: …

Kawatabi: …

Kawatabi: …

Kawatabi: …

Kawatabi: …

Kawatabi: …

Kawatabi: …

Takeru: Earth to Kawatabi

Kawatabi: I’m sorry but whom the fuck slapped my wonderful boyfriend

Takeru: Oikawa

Takeru: The setter from Aboajohsai

Kawatabi: Bruh why the fuck would he slap you

Takeru: Uh IDK? I saw him in the tech store today and asked him how he was, how is team was? He said something like “They’re the best team in the division but they aren’t at nationals” and I said like “We all wanted to be there, ya know” and he threw a fit about not taking his sadness seriously and smacked me right across the mouth lol

Kawatabi: 🙃I’m🙂Going🙃To🙂Break🙃A🙂Fucking🙃Bitch🙂

Takeru: Lol no

Kawatabi: Excuse me my boyfriend is handsome and cute and pretty and beautiful and nice and hardworking and also loyal and trusting and never starts fights or gets jealous or loses his temper and loves and takes care of his family and is a strong leader to his teammates and looks very cute in pajamas and some dusty bitch wants to hit him? Nah

Takeru: Tabi no

Takeru: Bad Tabi

Takeru: Can we just like

Takeru: I just come over and be held for a bit

Takeru: Just uh

Takeru: You know

Kawatabi: Hm okay yeah that’s okay

Kawatabi: I’ll turn on those ugly tiktok lights and we can just chill

Takeru: Also you have to keep calling me cute and handsome and beautiful

Takeru: No one else ya flirt

Takeru: Just me

Kawatabi: Okay wow

Kawatabi: But yes

Takeru: Okay good lol

Kawatabi: Also uh, ‘Keru

Kawatabi: I know I flirt with girls a lot and think they’re pretty but uhm you’re mine and that’s that

Kawatabi: You know that right?

Kawatabi: Literally no one on this planet is as good as you and I know I get lots of crushes but you are the best thing in my life and I would never ever act on any urge that would make you uncomfortable

Kawatabi: You know that, don’t you babe?

Takeru: Yes, yes I do 🤗🤗

Kawatabi: Kay good

Kawatabi: Now get your soft and round butt over here

Takeru: Bruh

Takeru: I am your captain

Kawatabi: Get your soft and round captain butt over here

Takeru: Okay


	6. Hinata and Kageyama Saga: Kageyama loses his damn Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Had fun writing this one, a LOT more fun than I did writing either of these guys last time

**Hinata and Kageyama Chat**

Hinata: Kageyama

Hinata: Sweetyama

Hinata: Babeyama

Hinata: Loveyama

Hinata: KaGAYama

Kageyama: Oh my god shut up

Hinata: Rude

Kageyama: What do you want hun

Hinata: Comfort and affirmation

Kageyama: Uh?

Kageyama: Why??

Hinata: Oh well someone slapped me today

Kageyama: I’m sorry

Kageyama: Give me a moment to reread that

Hinata: Kay

Kageyama: Okay so WHAT FUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO HIT YOU???

Hinata: Uhm

Hinata: You seem mad

Hinata: Maybe we should drop it

Kageyama: I demand ANSWERS

Hinata: Can we just skip to the Comfort and Affirmation now

Kageyama: You will get that yes

Kageyama: BUT A NAME

Kageyama: I am going to bribe you

Hinata: Bribes don’t work if you tell them it’s a bribe stupid lol

Kageyama: I will teach you to set

Hinata: What

Kageyama: I will teach you how to set a volleyball

Hinata; 🥺

Hinata: The way you do?

Kageyama: You will become better at setting than I am

Hinata: 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

Hinata: It was Oikawa

Hinata: Now I am coming over for emotional warmth and volleyball lessons

Hinata: Kageyama?

Hinata: Kageyama

Hinata: Kageyama RESPOND

Kageyama: I am actually shaking in anger

Kageyama: I cannot believe he would do that

Kageyama: I swear to fuckin god

Kageyama: He tried to hit me once in junior high and Iwaizumi let him have it but I literally never thought we would slap someone I cared about

Kageyama: That man is gonna get his ass whooped so fuckin hard

Hinata: Yo okay let’s calm down for a second

Kageyama: I’m gonna fuggin rip his femurs out

Hinata: No don’t do that Kageyama Really

Kageyama: He’ll be at practice tomorrow I’m going to Aobajohsai and I’m going to smash his fuckin face in

Hinata: NO 

Kageyama: Don’t try to fuckin stop me that is a line he is not allowed to cross

Hinata: OKAY STOP IT’S A JOKE

Hinata: IT ISN’T REAL

Kageyama: …

Hinata: Oikawa told a bunch of us to prank out boyfriends by saying he slapped us so we could get like, lots of sympathy cuddles or something

Kageyama: I😐am😐coming😐to😐your😐home😐right😐this😐second

Hinata: I live on the other side of a mountain lol

Kageyama: THE BUSSTOP IS 3 MINUTES AWAY AND IT’LL BE THERE IN 10

Hinata: Babe be reasonable

Kageyama: I CANNOT believe you would LIE TO ME!!!

Kageyama: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD LIE TO ME CAUSE HE TOLD YOU TO

Hinata: I just wanted cuddles!!!!!

Hinata: I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO TURN INTO JOHN WICK!!!

Kageyama: The bus is already here

Kageyama: See you in 20 loser

Hinata: NO

Hinata: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

Hinata: I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND YOU CAN’T BE MEAN TO ME

Kageyama: I can be mean

Kageyama: I won’t hurt you lol

Kageyama: But I can be very mean 👿👿

Hinata: NU I WON’T LET YOU IN

Kageyama: I am going to tickle you until you barf

Hinata: Lol that’s some intimidating threat there

Kageyama: No I mean literally

Hinata: ….What?

Kageyama: I am actually going to tickle you until you throw up

Hinata: Wait

Hinata: No that sucks

Kageyama: You brought this on yourself

Hinata: I ALREADY SHOWERED I DON’T WANT TO PUKE

Kageyama: We just crossed the halfway point

Hinata: I am not opening the door!

Kageyama: YOU GAVE ME AN EMERGENCY KEY

Hinata: D: THIS ISN’T AN EMERGENCY!!

Kageyama: Punishing your naughty lying boyfriend with puke induction is indeed an emergency

Kageyama: I will make the wretched retch

Hinata: YOU DON’T HAVE A KEY TO MY ROOM

Kageyama: Your balcony door doesn’t lock

Hinata: STOP

Kageyama: I’m here ☠👹☠👹

Hinata: STAY AWAY

Kageyama: STOP RUNNING

Hinata: Hah you can’t find me

Kageyama: COME OUT HERE

Kageyama: I heard a ping

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: .

Kageyama: Got ya bitch

Hinata: NO STAfjafdhakdhkwhdkahdkahdkiahdkhdekiahdi340982rukfnklsnfopuhfpoecup98uc9pwjfop3jcp9wnq3pjowhfpf-93q23hfpiunf98qhrpucnwpw3nfp9w28hfcwn9wuhf-9wh9r129upvnpwusncpiu34[t


	7. Futakuchi & Aone Saga: Smash my Mouse into Pieces, this is my Chocolate Bar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aone is a baby who loves his boyfriend

**Futakuchi and Aone chat**

Futakuchi: Sup babe

Aone: Hello

Futakuchi: How is my beautiful smokin hot babe today

Aone: Okay

Futakuchi: I love you so much and want to kiss you so badly

Aone: Okay

Futakuchi: 😾😾😾SHOW ME LOVE

Aone: I love you

Futakuchi: Okay fine

Futakuchi: But actually I do really need you right now

Aone: Why?

Futakuchi: Well I feel kind of ticked off today

Futakuchi: I got slapped today

Aone: What

Futakuchi: Another person slapped me in the face

Aone: I’m sorry

Aone: Why did they do that to you?

Futakuchi: Uhm

Futakuchi: Well

Futakuchi: I said I was really happy about our team going forward

Futakuchi: That makes more sense if you know it was Oikawa from Seijoh lol

Aone: Seijoh’s captain hit you?

Futakuchi: Yes

Aone: I’m really sorry that happened

Futakuchi: You are extremely calm and not very angry at all lol

Aone: I’m angry

Futakuchi: I can’t tell though lol

Aone: I just smashed my computer mouse to pieces and am now using my touch pad which I’m kind of bad at

Futakuchi: Babe

Futakuchi: Say sike rn

Aone: I can’t, I broke my mouse

Futakuchi: Aone-chan it’s okay you don’t really need to be mad

Futakuchi: I’ll be okay I didn’t mean to make you mad

Aone: I want to hit him

Futakuchi: You don’t need to do that babe

Aone: I know I don’t need to

Aone: I just don’t like you being hurt

Aone: And someone doing it on purpose really makes me angry

Futakuchi: Babe that’s sweet

Aone: I love you

Futakuchi: I love you too 💟

Aone: Come over

Futakuchi: Really?

Aone: Yeah you said you were mad, and I’m mad

Aone: We can be mad together

Aone: We could make plays or just watch some anime or bother my cat or I don’t know if you want we could just lay down and I can hold you

Futakuchi: That all sounds really nice I’m gonna come over

Aone: Bring night stuff you’re spending the night

Futakuchi: What

Aone: I want you to spend the night

Futakuchi: I am sorry did someone replace my boyfriend with an alien 👾👾👾👾👾👾

Futakuchi: You NEVER ask me to spend the night

Aone: I want to give you more kisses than usual

Futakuchi: 🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴Don’t say that you’re gonna kill me

Aone: I love you

Futakuchi: I love you too big guy

Aone: Hey

Futakuchi: Getting my overnight bag

Aone: I’m sorry

Futakuchi: It ain’t your fault

Aone: No I mean

Aone: I said I don’t like it when you’re hurt

Aone: But

Aone: I know I’m really big and I don’t always realize how big I am

Aone: I know I kind of hurt your gut and hands a lot

Aone: We can stop high fiving and chest bumping if you want

Futakuchi: WE MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT GOING TO STOP FUCKING HIGH FIVING OR FIST BUMPING

Aone: Okay

Aone: I love you

Futakuchi: Stop saying that 🤭

Aone: But I love you

Futakuchi: 😚😚😚😚

Futakuchi: Oh an btw I was lying

Aone: About what

Futakuchi: Oikawa never slapped me

Futakuchi: It was a joke, he thought it’d be funny and he said you’d cuddle me and be protective and stuff

Aone: Futakuchi

Aone: Futakuchi I just broke my mouse in anger

Futakuchi: 😅😅 Uh yeah I didn’t plan for that to happen

Futakuchi: I kind of thought you wouldn’t care that much

Aone: I am slightly upset that you pulled a prank on me like that and I am highly pissed off at you that you thought for even a second I would not be angry at someone hurting you

Futakuchi: Oh

Aone: I am still going to hug you

Aone: And I love you

Futakuchi: I love you too babe


	8. Kindaichi & Iwaizumi Saga: Iwai tries to be Prepared and Responsable but looks like a Nutcase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kinda makes me want to take another shot at a true romance fic for this pair. Maybe

**Kindaichi and Iwaizumi Chat**

Kindaichi: Sup

Iwaizumi: Sup bitch

Iwaizumi: How are you today love

Kindaichi: I cannot explain the levels of amusement and shock at that greeting every time we initiate a conversation over chat

Kindaichi: It is however less shocking than you literally walking up and grabbing my butt and kissing my neck in the middle of the hallway

Iwaizumi: I do it with love

Kindaichi: You are a werewolf marking your territory lol

Iwaizumi: You read too much fanfic

Iwaizumi: Thanks for outing yourself as a werewolf fucker

Kindaichi: You are such a bully

Kindaichi: You are going to make me cry

Iwaizumi: The only thing that ever makes you cry is thinking about how you aren’t friends with almost anyone from middle school but Kunimi

Kindaichi: OKAY LOOK YOU

Iwaizumi: Lol

Kindaichi: Okay but serious conversation now

Kindaichi: Very serious conversation

Iwaizumi: Kay

Iwaizumi: No, we are not having sex, you are too young

Iwaizumi: No, I’m not marrying you yet, you are still too young

Iwaizumi: Yes, I do love you, genuinely, no exaggeration, no joke, no ifs ands or buts

Iwaizumi: I do still want to introduce you to my parents, you ain’t getting out of that one

Iwaizumi: Yes, next year we are going to have to adjust to a long-distance relationship, but I’m confident it’ll work out

Iwaizumi: 100% NO NO NO you are not dropping out of school for me. You are getting your degree

Iwaizumi: Domestic abuse is a very serious topic and it is important for couples to have that conversation vocally, so know I will never inflict pain on you nor will I ever threaten you or insult in an inappropriate or drastically unnecessary or cruel manner and I will never tell you you cannot be around anyone unless I genuinely have reason to believe that person is actually dangerous to be around

Iwaizumi: We are NOT sharing a bank account at this point in time

Iwaizumi: I’d prefer us to be exclusive, at least for the time being. I really just found out about that and I’m still thinking over if that would ever be for me

Iwaizumi: I know your grandfather is super homophobic and I know you really love him and want to impress him and I love how forgiving and loving you are as a person and that unlearning homophobia when you first come out as bisexual is literally one of the most difficult things and I want you to know that you are a good person, you are not gross or evil or going to hell, you are loved and people all over the world support you and want to succeed and dating me is not something you need to be ashamed of

Iwaizumi: Okay, there we go. Was it any of those things?

Kindaichi: …

Kindaichi: What the fuck

Kindaichi: WHAT FUCK HOW DID YOU TYPE THAT SO FAST?!?!?!

Kindaichi: DID YOU HAVE THAT ON A NOTE???

Iwaizumi: Yes

Iwaizumi: I didn’t want to be caught off guard so I jot things down when I think of them so I’m prepared for later

Kindaichi: Oh my god

Kindaichi: I’m flattered that you think so much about me and out relationship but fuck

Kindaichi: Jesus I literally cannot even begin to know where to start with any of that

Kindaichi: But NO it was literally NONE of that

Kindaichi: In fact if you had asked if I was an antivaxxer you wouldn’t really have been much farther off

Iwaizumi: Oh

Iwaizumi: Dammit

Iwaizumi: You’re not an antivaxxer are you

Kindaichi: OH MY FUCKING GOD

Kindaichi: NO

Kindaichi: PLEASE CAN I GET A WORD IN

Iwaizumi: Okay, yeah, sorry

Kindaichi: Look there was a fight after practice and I just feel kind of shitty and worthless and I just wanted to know if I could come over for some physical affection

Kindaichi: Like kissing and spooning and that stupid thing where you kiss the palm of my hands

Kindaichi: And also consensual clothed butt touching

Kindaichi: You said that was okay

Iwaizumi: A fight? Like a fist fight? With our guys? Kyotani?

Kindaichi: No it was not a fist fight and no it was not Kyotani

Kindaichi: No one got hurt or anything

Kindaichi: Well I mean

Kindaichi: I got slapped across the face

Kindaichi: Yeah I got into an argument with uhhhhhhhhhhh hnnnnnn nevermind we’re just gonna leave that person anonymous lol

Kindaichi: But can I come over

Iwaizumi: Okay

Iwaizumi: One thing at a time

Iwaizumi: A member of Aobajohsai Men’s Volleyball slapped you across the face?

Kindaichi: Yes

Iwaizumi: Okay. Was this the first strike? You didn’t hit him first?

Kindaichi: No, of course not?

Iwaizumi: Did you hit back

Kindaichi: No

Iwaizumi: Okay

Iwaizumi: I get that those guys are all our friends and sometimes friends get into fights and that happens, and sometimes you get over it really quick, and that’s fine and dandy

Iwaizumi: But also I am vice-captain and if there is an issue between two of my underclassman that results in violence I need to step in

Iwaizumi: You have my word that I absolutely will not treat them differently because it was my boyfriend they slapped. I will talk to them as if they slapped any member of the team

Kindaichi: Oh my god Iwaizumi-san why are you so mature today what happened

Iwaizumi: I AM ALWAYS MATURE

Kindaichi: Lol no you ain’t

Iwaizumi: Just tell me who slapped you so I can spoon you

Kindaichi: Well

Kindaichi: What if it wasn’t one of your underclassmen who slapped me

Iwaizumi: I’m sorry are you implying one of our third years slapped you

Kindaichi: I mean

Kindaichi: It’s not that surprising is it? There are 7 third years and 5 of the rest of us lol

Iwaizumi: It is very surprising cause out third years are all very mature and emotionally stable and intelligent and should know that hitting you is completely unacceptable

Iwaizumi: I mean except Shittykawa who is a stupid baby but he wouldn’t hit you

Kindaichi: You would have just won “2 truths and a lie” cause one of those things is false

Iwaizumi: Are you arguing that Shittykawa is not a stupid baby

Kindaichi: No I agree with that

Kindaichi: I also agree that the other third years are mature and emotionally stable lol

Iwaizumi: So you are debating the part that Oikawa wouldn’t Hildjaskhakhdkanlckandklnakwn DID THAT FUCKING PRICK HIT YOU?

Kindaichi: You no longer seem very mature so my answer is now no lol

Iwaizumi: I’M GOING TO FUCKING BREAK HIS FUCKING ARMS OFF

Kindaichi: Lol how about you don’t do that and we just spoon like you promised

Iwaizumi: WHO THE FUCK LET HIM THINK THAT HE COULD SLAP MY BOYFRIEND AND I WOULDN’T FUCKING KILL HIM

Kindaichi: Well uh lol

Kindaichi: Let’s worry about that later I’m coming over for hugs

Kindaichi: The silence from you has scared me lol

Kindaichi: I’ll be at your place in like, 3 minutes lol

Kindaichi: Iwaizumi-san I’m here let me in so I can kiss you

Iwaizumi: I’ll be right there, give me just a minute

Kindaichi: Are you calm now lol

Iwaizumi: Yeah I talked to Oikawa over the phone, I wanted answers

Kindaichi: Oh uh

Iwaizumi: You know he seemed pretty upset that I called him

Iwaizumi: He was really sure you were going to tell him it was a joke before I got that mad

Kindaichi: Uh you got a lot faster than he expected

Kindaichi: Also uhm maybe I better go home lol

Kindaichi: Good night lol

Iwaizumi: Stay

Kindaichi: No

Iwaizumi: Stay Kindaichi-kohai

Kindaichi: No please

Iwaizumi: I swear if you move from my front door

Kindaichi: I just wanted cuddles D:

Kindaichi: He said it’d be okay D:

Iwaizumi: He miscalculated


	9. Nishinoya & Tanaka Saga: Going to a makeup Store so apply foundation onto your lips before applying lipstick, the way that NikkieTutorials Does

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I LOVE THIS SHIP!!!! Why is Nishinoya's shipments monopolized by a memey version of Asahi (no hate to that ship or Asahi, both are good)! THIS IS A CHAOTIC GAY MASTERPIECE!! That being said IDK if this was my strongest chapter lol

**Nishinoya and Tanaka Chat**

Nishinoya: Ryu

Nishinoya: Ryu your beautiful and powerful libero requires your presence

Tanaka: Okay fuckboi lol

Nishinoya: Wow rood

Nishinoya: You literally are a THOUSAND times more handsy than I am

Tanaka: Lol GO OFF I GUESS

Nishinoya: YOU ARE

Tanaka: Do you require intense snogging lol

Nishinoya: Well no

Tanaka: WHAT?!?!

Tanaka: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY TINY BOYFRIEND?

Nishinoya: DON’T FUCKING CALL ME TINY

Tanaka: Okay Mr. Elrich lol

Tanaka: Literally what though? You NEVER turn down violent kissing

Nishinoya: Well not in the mood

Nishinoya: I’m kind of pissed off tbh

Tanaka: Oh okay?

Tanaka: What’s up?

Nishinoya: Have you ever been slapped in the face?

Tanaka: Uh

Tanaka: I have been slapped by Kiyoko back when we were crushing on her

Nishinoya: Right

Nishinoya: What about by a guy?

Tanaka: Where is this headed???

Nishinoya: Oikawa from Seijoh saw me in public and when I said hi he slapped me

Nishinoya: Kinda pissed me off but also kinda made me feel shitty

Nishinoya: It’s weird

Tanaka: Bruh

Tanaka: B R U H

Tanaka: Okay I’m so pissed right now I’m going to clobber him

Tanaka: But hey that’s later

Tanaka: Don’t feel shitty, you didn’t do anything wrong

Nishinoya: I know I didn’t, you know, objectively, but I still felt kind of like a tool

Tanaka: Well you’re not

Tanaka: Hey wanna go do something?

Tanaka: Like IDK go to a movie or something? There’s a bunch of horror movies and action movies on right now.

Tanaka: Double feature? My treat

Nishinoya: Will we be making out for almost half of one of them

Tanaka: Yes

Tanaka: Loud and obnoxiously

Nishinoya: I’ll buy the sodas and snacks

Nishinoya: Okay but seriously though we can kiss intensely but like not as intensely as we had been

Tanaka: Why????

Nishinoya: My mouth was like dark purple two days ago! My mom thought I had hypothermia lol

Tanaka: Okay

Tanaka: We’re going to stop by the makeup store and apply makeup after I bruise your lips with kisses

Nishinoya: BRUH

Nishinoya: You could just listen to me and not kiss me like you’re trying to break through my jaw

Tanaka: Blah blah blah insert fanfic reference about invading the haven of your mouth or something

Nishinoya: Oh my god Ryu shut the hell up and meet me at the theater

Tanaka: Sure thing baby


	10. Yahaba and Kyōtani Saga: Y'all need to Calm Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amngry geys

**Yahaba and Kyotani Chat**

Yahaba: Kyotani-kun

Yahaba: Why did you leave practice early

Kyotani: I didn’t

Kyotani: You stayed late

Yahaba: I really didn’t but

Kyotani: Okay is there a reason you’re starting a fight

Yahaba: I’M NOT!

Yahaba: Literally doing the EXACT opposite of that

Yahaba: I’m looking for comfort and hugs jackass

Kyotani: Oh

Kyotani: I can provide that

Kyotani: But why are you looking for that

Yahaba: Shit went down after practice

Yahaba: Oikawa and I got into after he told me that I never played because I was just not as good as him

Kyotani: Wow that’s fuckin rude

Yahaba: I called him an ass and then he slapped me

Kyotani: WOW FUCKIN RUDE

Kyotani: He KNOWS we’re dating right? Who does he think he is, slapping you? He had to know I was going to hear about that

Yahaba: Stop talking like you’re big and bad

Kyotani: I AM big and bad

Yahaba: Uh huh

Kyotani: Okay big and bad or not I’m going to slap the taste out his mouth

Kyotani: I GUARANTEE I hit harder than him

Yahaba: That’s not necessary

Yahaba: I could slap him myself

Yahaba: What I need is some comfort and pleasantries

Kyotani: I mean

Kyotani: Look you’re probably my favorite person in the world, and I have a lot of respect for you in my fists and a lot of uh…you know, love, I guess, for you in my heart, but I really haven’t dated before so IDK what exactly “comfort” looks like so just like

Kyotani: Spell out exactly what you need and I’ll provide

Yahaba: Lol

Yahaba: Quite exhilarated at hearing you say “ a lot of uh, you know, love I guess.” Glad you love me you guess lol

Yahaba: I love you too, I guess 💙💙

Kyotani: Okay look here wiseass

Kyotani: Just tell me how to make you feel better

Yahaba: Being held in your arms would be nice

Kyotani: Kay

Kyotani: Get your pretty boy ass over here and I’ll hug ya a bunch

Yahaba: LOOK DICKHEAD

Kyotani: Love you too babe

Yahaba: Okay good

Kyotani: But don’t whine at my hugging

Kyotani: You’re always like “You’re hugging too tight” or “Stop kissing my neck, that feels too intimate” or “Get your hand out of my shirt” or even “You didn’t wash your hair again did you”

Kyotani: Just accept the hug and like it

Yahaba: 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

Yahaba: OKAY YA FUCKIN MUSTARD HEAD

Yahaba: Fuck your hugs

Yahaba: For your info none of this was real, Oikawa just suggested it as a way to get free hugs

Yahaba: But if you’re gonna be a bitch about it!

Kyotani: OH MY GOD

Kyotani: I’ve been sending Oikawa’s inbox death threats for the past like, 33 minutes and you gonna pull that it’s a joke??

Kyotani: Shit man

Kyotani: Okay fuck it I’m gonna cuddle the fuck out of you

Kyotani: Gonna hold your hand so fuckin angrily

Yahaba: Shut the fuck up

Kyotani: Gonna fucking lick your tongue so hard

Yahaba: What the fuck just say “Kiss” you fuckin weirdo


	11. Himekawa & Echigo & Tsukioka Saga: The Inherent Eroticism of Bullying a Weeabo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay but honestly. I love Tsubakihara. I think the little bit we get of them is really entertaining, I think the characters still stand out as memorable with minimal screentime, and I think they all have killer character designs. Also I laugh at Himekawa's headshot every time and his serve gives me chills, so here ya go

**Himekawa, Echigo & Tsukioka Chat**

Himekawa: Hi

Himekawa: Hi Tsukioka-san

Himekawa: Hi Echigo-san

Tsukioka: Don’t say hi so many times

Himekawa: Sorry

Echigo: Tsukioka your boyfriend is small and easily intimidated be nice

Tsukioka: Sorry Echigo-san

Tsukioka: Hey bud. What’s up?

Echigo: Yo darlin’. What can I do ya for today?

Himekawa: So uhm

Himekawa: Dating means we like, help each other feel better right? Like if I’m sad I can come to you both?

Echigo: Yeah of course babe.

Tsukioka: Yeah duh

Echigo: What’s going on babe?

Himekawa: I just kind of feel really awful and guilty rn

Himekawa: I kind of got into a fight earlier today

Himekawa: It’s kind of a long story

Echigo: A fight? Our sweet little cinnamon roll?? Like, a fist fight? Did you beat a bitch?

Himekawa: No lol

Himekawa: I was slapped in the face

Echigo: 🙁

Tsukioka: What the fuck

Tsukioka: 🤬 Who the fuck did that

Himekawa: Uh it was that Oikawa guy from Aobajohsai. The guy with pretty hair and a hugely long set

Echigo: Okay but why’d he hit you??

Himekawa: He just started yelling about how unfair it is that someone “without talent” like me got to serve at nationals and he didn’t and uh

Tsukioka: Well fuck if he didn’t fuckin lose he would’ve gone, shit it’s not hard to figure out

Echigo: Seriously what a dick

Echigo: Did it leave a mark

Himekawa: Uh

Himekawa: Yah

Tsukioka: Well someone’s gonna get his wig split

Himekawa: 🥺🥺🥺Wait no

Tsukioka: Gonna fucking rip his teeth out

Himekawa: No I didn’t tell you this for that purpose

Himekawa: Echigo-san stop him

Echigo: I mean

Echigo: I’m not really the wig-splitting type but also I don’t much ‘ppreciate people hitting my boyfriend so he has my blessing to beat the fuck out of a punk

Himekawa: Okay no I can’t do this

Himekawa: It’s a challenge thing, Oikawa told me and some other guys to tell our boyfriends he slapped us so we could get cuddles

Himekawa: Sorry

Echigo: Dude

Echigo: Why though

Tsukioka: Himekawa

Tsukioka: I’m going to beat you up

Himekawa: 🥺🥺Nu

Tsukioka: Yeah you’re right I shouldn’t even joke about that.

Tsukioka: Sorry

Echigo: Good, I was about to say

Tsukioka: I’m going to put our babies up for adoption in Stardew Valley

Tsukioka: So goodbye to Suki and Asami

Himekawa: இ௰இ

Himekawa: No our babies 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Himekawa: Please no spare them they should not suffer for their father’s sins

Echigo: IDK I’m gonna take Tsukioka’s side

Echigo: Yeetus the fetus

Himekawa: What why 😭😭😭😭

Himekawa: You guys aren’t even dating

Echigo: Bros before hoes

Himekawa: You’re bullying me இ௰இ

Echigo: Okay, then, bros before shared romantic boyfriends

Tsukioka: Okay honestly though why??? Literally we SHOWER you in physical and emotional affection

Tsukioka: You sit on my lap all the time

Tsukioka: Echigo is always all over you, kissing your cheeks and forehead and nose

Tsukioka: Literally WE SANDWICH CUDDLE YOU CONSTANTLY

Tsukioka: Half of your life is spent between me and Echigo’s chests

Echigo: Lol Tsukioka is upset that his snuggles have been taken for granted

Tsukioka: Yes, I actually am

Himekawa: I don’t take you for granted I love you 🥺🥺

Echigo: Honestly though babe you gotta learn to talk to us

Echigo: This isn’t a polycule, you have two separate boyfriends, we don’t hang out that much, neither of knows how much affection you feel you need from the other

Echigo: If you don’t say “I need even more affection” we ain’t gonna know it

Himekawa: Yeah, I know, you’re right. I love you Echigo-san

Tsukioka: Okay

Tsukioka: Look

Tsukioka: New rule

Tsukioka: I’m just gonna hug you when I want and assume that the increase in hugs makes you feel loved

Himekawa: Increase? Would only hugging me when you want be less hugging?

Tsukioka: I am literally going to have you sit in my lap during class.

Tsukioka: I sit at the table there is plenty of room for both of our stuffs

Tsukioka: I mean obviously we can’t do that for tests

Tsukioka: But yeah my lap is now where you belong

Himekawa: Oh my god stop I’m blushing

Himekawa: People will laugh

Tsukioka: My body will rightfully take its place next to yours

Himekawa: 😳😳

Echigo: You sound like a fuckin’ fanfic version of Ganondorf in a Link/Ganon fics what the fuck

Himekawa: Aw that’s cute lol

Echigo: I

Echigo: If you tell me you read that stuff I swear I’m going to break your laptop

Himekawa: No I don’t

Tsukioka: 🤥🤥

Tsukioka: Don’t you lie

Tsukioka: Not ONLY do you read fanfic I know for a fact you literally write out SELF-INSERT fanfic with characters who are basically just us

Himekawa: 😨😨 I DO NOT

Echigo: Oof

Echigo: Kay

Echigo: Himekawa-chan we’re gonna have to inspect those and make sure they aren’t explicit

Tsukioka: Can’t have our little puffball being ilicit

Himekawa: They’re only rated M! Not Explicit!

Echigo: Lmfao

Tsukioka: Fuckin weeabo

Himekawa; 🥺


	12. Sugawara & Daichi Saga: reJECTED

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi is a good husband in law

**Sugawara and Daichi Chat**

Sugawara: Hello my dear!

Sugawara: How are you today?

Daichi: Hiya hun

Daichi: I’m good, glad to hear your voice

Daichi: I mean I know it’s only like, an hour and a half since practice ended so I heard your voice a while ago but seeing your typings is fun too lol

Sugawara: Yes lol

Sugawara: So

Sugawara: Are you available for comforting and cuddling

Daichi: Hm

Daichi: Sugawara asking for emotional intimacy instead of just placing himself in my arms

Daichi: Pretty sus

Sugawara: Well yes

Sugawara: But there was an interesting little confrontation on the way home that upset me

Daichi: And what would that be?

Sugawara: Uh well I met Oikawa at the hardware store and one thing led to another and he slapped me

Daichi: Bullshit

Sugawara: I didn’t even finish the explanation lol

Daichi: You are absolutely lying lol

Daichi: There is no way in a million years you would have done anything other than come directly to my house and have us making an apology letter for making him mad in the first place

Sugawara: Uh

Daichi: You are absolutely not going to fool me with that nonsense you are full of shit and you know it lol

Sugawara: 😅😅😅😅Kind of flattered you saw through that IMMEDIATELY lol

Daichi: I mean I’m pretty sure I know you pretty darn well

Sugawara: Well there goes the plan for stealing comfort cuddles

Daichi: Suga literally if you get a splinter I will gladly remove, bandage and ice your finger and massage your shoulders and make you warm soup and hold you close to my heart lol

Daichi: Why EVEN resort to lying when you could get the same just by pretending to accidentally rip out a hair from your head lol

Sugawara: Haha it was a suggestion from Oikawa actually. A couples challenge or something

Daichi: Okay well that was your first mistake lol

Daichi: But yes please do come over

Daichi: You’re being an absolute dork and dorky Sugawara is a very high quality Sugawara lol

Sugawara: “A – Sugawara” ? lol

Daichi: Gotta collect them all lol

Sugawara: ☺☺

Sugawara: I didn’t fool you but I can’t imagine how much nonsense the other guys are going through cause of this lol

Daichi: Who all did he tell to do this?

Sugawara: Nishinoya, Hinata, Yamaguchi, and I from Karasuno, Yahaba and Kindaichi from Seijoh, Futakuchi from Datekogyo, Shirabu from Shiratorizawa, Inuoka and Kenma from Nekoma and then uh….Himekawa, Akaashi and Takeru lol

Daichi: Lots of them have VERY overprotective boyfriends, Oikawa is asking to get lit up lol

Sugawara: Yes we warned him lol

Sugawara: What about you?? Would you be overprotective, if you had a reason too?

Daichi: You really wanted to know that huh lol

Daichi: Well, no I don’t think so actually. I mean, your safety and happiness is like, my endgame in all things, so comfort and practical protection are important, but I’m really not gonna beat up anyone if they hit you

Daichi: Well I shouldn’t say that, if I saw it I might lose my shit lol

Sugawara: Daichi if you don’t at LEAST get as mad at someone hitting me as you do at Nishinoya running in the hallways we’re gonna have a problem

Daichi: Lol oops


	13. Akaashi and Bokuto Saga: Oddly less fluffy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why did I make Bokuto the thicc owl the emotional climax of this story? Heck if I know

**Akaashi & Bokuto Chat**

Akaashi: Bokuto San

Bokuto: AKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHI

Akaashi: Hi

Bokuto: MY HOT AND COOL BOYFRIEND IS HERE

Bokuto: 😙😙😙😙KISSES

Akaashi: Hm

Akaashi: You seem peppy

Bokuto: Yeah! You’re here

Akaashi: Okay well put that aside for now

Bokuto: But why!?!?!?!?!

Akaashi: Cause I have something I need to talk to you about

Akaashi: Something very serious

Bokuto: Am I in trouble!?!? 😨😨😨

Akaashi: No, you’re not, and stop that

Bokuto: Akaashi…..

Akaashi: Bokuto

Akaashi: I need you to be the stable one for a second

Bokuto: What?!?

Akaashi: Just stop

Akaashi: I know that you know that you’re always so all over the place and very easy to stir up or discourage

Akaashi: None of that right now

Bokuto: 🥺🥺🥺Akaashi you’re really making me feel like a loser

Akaashi: Well don’t

Akaashi: Cause I feel like a loser

Bokuto: Wait, HUH?

Akaashi: Bokuto sometimes in relationships someone needs the other one to be strong for them and right now I can’t be strong so I need you to be strong for me.

Akaashi: So please, calm down, and be strong for me. Just for a bit. I need you

Bokuto: Akaashi.

Bokuto: I’m

Bokuto: OKAY

Bokuto: You’re knight in silver amor is here for you, for whatever you need! Let loose!

Akaashi: Okay

Akaashi: Bear with me for a second

Akaashi: Oikawa had the grand idea to tell us to tell our boyfriends that he slapped us, so like, our overprotective boyfriend would be super soft and nice and gentle to us

Akaashi: And I agreed to do it

Akaashi: But then I kind of realized that I really don’t want you to comfort me when I’m fake sad when I really do need you to comfort me when I get real sad

Akaashi: Cause that can happen sometimes

Akaashi: Well, a lot of times

Akaashi: And I kind of made myself sad

Bokuto: Can I say something now?

Akaashi: Yeah I’m done

Bokuto: Akaashi I love you

Akaashi: I love you too

Bokuto: I wasn’t done!!!!!

Bokuto: I love you and because I love you I will literally always be willing to pull my weight for you! I can’t always control my feelings when it comes to “me” things. You’re not a “me” thing. I know I’m a scatterbrain with volleyball and food but not with you. I love you, but it’s not an impulsive intensely emotional love. I love you very deliberately and very determinately. I love you and because of that I can put all my “me” issues on hold to help you take care of your “you” issues. You do a great job of cheering me up and handling my flippantness but you don’t need to be alone in that talent. If you’re sad I will gladly be there for you.

Akaashi: I’m going to vomit

Bokuto: ???

Akaashi: I am crying very intensely right now

Akaashi: Bokuto where did you learn to write like that my god

Akaashi: Who taught you the word “determinately” that is not a word you just knew in your head

Bokuto: WHY ARE YOU CRYING!!?! Are you okay?

Akaashi: I’m happy

Akaashi: I never heard you say anything like that to me

Akaashi: I was sure I was just a crush to you that you were gonna get tired of when something else became more stimulating or breakdown over if things got hard

Akaashi: And I love you so much and I was scared and you just say this to me

Bokuto: 😇😇😇😇😇Of course! I love you!

Bokuto: Are you doing better?

Bokuto: Wanna come over free kisses!!

Akaashi: Yes

Bokuto: Also mission was kind of accomplished cause it did kick in my overprotective impulses

Bokuto: BECAUSE WHO THE HELL DOES OIKAWA THINK HE IS MAKING MY BOYFRIEND SO SAD AND SCARED

Akaashi: I don’t think it was on purpose

Bokuto: I DON”T CARE FUCK HIM

Akaashi: Save your energy for anger and convert it into affectionate energy

Akaashi: I expect a LOT Of kisses

Bokuto: 😋😋😋😋😋Aye aye!!!


	14. Kenma & Kuroo Saga: Punk'd Ya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma is a trollolo

**Kenma and Kuroo Chat**

Kenma: Kuroo

Kenma: Kuroo respond

Kuroo: I have been blessed with a text from a very underconfident kitty cat

Kenma: Stop

Kuroo: ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ

Kuroo: Hug me

Kenma: No really

Kenma: I need a nice, supporting boyfriend for a moment

Kuroo: You have access to that at every moment

Kuroo: I mean

Kuroo: Yeah, of course, now and forever! What’s up?

Kenma: I’m like…likeable, right?

Kuroo: ??? I mean, yes, obviously, everyone at Nekoma loves you. You’re just hard to well…you’re not hard to approach, anyone who comes up to you and is nice will be happy they talked to you. Its more like, you’re hard to encourage to approach. Most people would prefer if you started the convo, but you’re kinda too shy for that

Kenma: Huh

Kenma: Am I hateable though

Kenma: Like can you be both

Kuroo: ????????????????? Uh?????? Well, no, not really. I mean, objectively, yes, everyone is “hateable” if someone really just wants to be petty or hateful enough, yeah. But you’ve never done anything in your life to warrant someone hating you.

Kuroo: What’s going on?

Kenma: Someone slapped me because I’m unlikeable

Kuroo: I’m sorry someone did WHAT

Kuroo: JESUS FUCK ARE YOU OKAY!?!?

Kenma: Yeah

Kuroo: You poor guy! What kind of fucking ass hole would do that?

Kenma: Toru Oikawa

Kuroo: 0.0

Kuroo: Oh my god that guy just made my fucking list

Kuroo: What the hell is his problem

Kuroo: Nevermind

Kuroo: You okay?

Kuroo: Wait no nvm that I’m going to fucking kill him right this second

Kuroo: Wait but are you okay?

Kuroo: Like, you’re not hurt are you? And you know I love you right?

Kenma: Lol

Kenma; That was good enough

Kuroo: ?

Kenma: It was a joke lol Oikawa told us to say that to get our boyfriend to be protective and honestly it worked but you’re such a mess that I cant keep the character up lol

Kuroo: Oh

Kuroo: MAH

Kuroo: God

Kuroo: Kozume Kenma you are such a nuisance

Kenma: Lol you’re cute when you’re flustered

Kuroo: Okay thank you for calling me cute but how dare you make a fool out of me

Kenma: Love you Kuro lol

Kuroo: Same but you are NOT getting off that easily

Kenma: Lol okay

Kuroo: Deleting your Persona 4 save data

Kuroo: You left your memory card

Kenma: DO NOT

Kenma: AKHRKLJBKLBLBWLWB

Kenma: KURO

Kuroo: Okay

Kuroo: I won’t

Kuroo: But you gotta come and give me kisses

Kuroo: Every second you waste my finger gets closer to the delete button

Kenma: You’re cruel

Kenma: 🙄

Kenma: Be right there


	15. Catching Up with the Boys & Conclusion and Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really thought hard about how to end the Iwaizumi and Kindaichi bit. I'm happy with it lol

**God’s Gift to the Gays Chat** Wednesday, 5:35 p.m.

Oikawa: (╯‵□′)╯︵┻━┻

Oikawa: YOU FUCKERS

Oikawa: @Takeru @Nishinoya @Inuoka

Oikawa: YOU SLUTS DIDN’T TELL YOUR BOYFRIENDS IT WAS A JOKE

Oikawa: THAT GIANT RUSSIAN BOY SLAPPED ME BUT HE’S SO TALL HE HIT ME IN THE EAR

Oikawa: BALDY PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART

Oikawa: THAT PINEAPPLE HEADED BITCH POURED HIS COFFEE IN MY HAIR

Oikawa: IT HAD HONEY IN IT

Oikawa: WHO PUTS THAT MUCH FUCKING HONEY IN THEIR COFFEE

Takeru: Lol I know right? Kawatabi’s coffee is so damn sweet its gross

Oikawa: THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT

Himekawa: How did Kawatabi-kun take it? Was he protective?

Takeru: Oh yeah

Sugawara: Thought so, he gives off those vibes

Nishinoya: Yeah, he REALLY Does lol

Nishinoya: What about you Aoi? How did Echigo and Tsukioka react?

Himekawa: Oh being called my given name by a senpai is scary lol

Himekawa: Tsukioka was very distressed and mad, but Echigo was kind of chill lol

Himekawa: But oh god it made life better for me

Himekawa: They are ALWAYS giving me kisses and hugs now its greatlol

Akaashi: Good job

Oikawa: LISTEN TO ME 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

Oikawa: NISHINOYA YOU LITTLE CHOCOLATE BANANA HAIRED DUMPSTER SLUT YOUR BOYFRIEND BRUISED MY TIT

Oikawa: HE HITS LIKE A FUCKING GRENADE

Nishinoya: Lol yeah, isn’t it hot

Oikawa: FNAFKLWELKFHAFBLKBWLK WHY DID YOU NOT TELL HIM

Nishinoya: I was too busy being comfort kissed lol

Oikawa: (╬▔皿▔)╯

Akaashi: What about the rest of the Karasuno guys? Yamaguchi? Suga?

Yamaguchi: Tsukki caught on INSTANTLY lol

Sugawara: Lol SAME Daichi wouldn’t even let me get out the gate

Yamaguchi: Our BFs are way too smart for that lol

Akaashi: Can relate lol

Kindaichi: Did Bokuto catch on??

Akaashi: Let’s say he knows it was a joke and leave it at that

Kindaichi: Then how’s he smart lol

Akaashi: Oh

Akaashi: Well

Akaashi He just is

Yahaba: Kay

Yahaba: Kindaichi

Yahaba: How did Iwaizumi-san react

Kindaichi: OOF

Kindaichi: HE CALLED OIKAWA SAN AND MADE HIM TELL THE TRUTH

Kindaichi: When he saw me he actually held me down and spit in my mouth lol

Kindaichi: I know kissing is like, the same concept, but it was literally so disgusting lol

Yahaba: Lol that’s kinda cute?

Yahaba: Kyotani like, angrily held my hand and then “massaged” my shoulders

Yahaba: I’ve had to sleep on my stomach for the past 2 days, my shoulders hurt so bad lol

Yahaba: I don’t even think that was a revenge part he just can use his hands well

Hinata: Akaashi you forgot to mention I was a Karasuno guy!!

Akaashi: In my defense Bokuto talks about you so much I forgot you weren’t on our team lol

Hinata: !!!!

Hinata; THAT’S AMAZING

Hinata: Kageyama tickled me until I yakked lol

Sugawara: Is that what happened to your uniform shirt?

Hinata: Yup lol

Oikawa: YOU ALL ARE BEING SUCH SLUTS RIGHT NOW

Oikawa: WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH TORMENT

Kenma: Everything

Kenma: Kuroo made me laugh cause he fell for it so hard

Kenma: 8 of 8, would rate great

Kenma: How did Lev take it, Inuoka?

Inuoka: ☺I got lots of cuddles and kisses

Oikawa: I GOT FUCKING CLAPPED IN THE EAR

Futakuchi: Bruh Aone hugged me insanely lol

Futakuchi: Like full arms wrapped around my body, legs wrapped around me too (we were clothed, don’t make it weird)

Futakuchi: Like he just said “Captured” and cuddled me for like, 45 minutes lol

Shirabu: Oikawa you’re a dumpster fire and I hate you

Oikawa: BITCH ME TOO THE FUCK DO YOU WANNA FUCKIN START SOMETHIN

Shirabu: You tweeted it

Shirabu: You told of twitter you were doing this, Ushiwaka saw it immediatel

Hinata; Lolololololol

Nishinoya; XD XD MORON

Inuoka: Not the brightest moment lol

Kenma: Cretin lol

Futakuchi: XD XD

Himekawa: He tried lol and failed lol

Sugawara: XD XD So I guess it doesn’t matter that I didn’t fool Daichi

Yamaguchi: Lol but why though

Akaashi: Dumbass

Takeru: Smart one lol

Kindaichi: Lol that’s perfect

Yahaba: Shame

Oikawa: I’M GOING TO FUCKING MEET YOU ALL IN A DOLLAR STORE PARKING LOT AND BEAT YOUR ASS

**Kindaichi added Iwaizumi to the chat**

Kindaichi: Because he told me to

Iwaizumi: Did you just threaten my boyfriend, bitchykawa?

Oikawa: I hate it here


End file.
